The Aftermath
by Ninja in Chucks
Summary: A fic about the aftermath of the Whomping Willow incident that happened in the marauder's 6th year. James' point of view first, then Sirius'.
1. Chapter 1

What do you do, when a prank goes haywire? When the one person you trusted beyond belief suddenly betrays you and your whole world comes crashing down?

You work.

You put all your effort into everything you do, hoping that if you try, you can escape all the worries, all the what ifs that plague your mind.

It doesn't help. The questions, the fears, they don't leave you. They haunt your dreams, plague your nightmares, and are always there, right in the corner of your eye.

I couldn't sleep for the first week after it happened. For the first month I was constantly waking up, haunted by things that I couldn't remember. Even these days, over three months on, I still open my eyes to find myself screaming.

I'm starting to doubt that things will ever be the same.

Little things have changed; little, inconsequential things that shouldn't matter but do. Little things like how suddenly I drink my coffee black, when I used to have it white with lots of sugar. Like how Remus and I call each other by our proper names. Now we're just plain Remus and James, and for some reason that hits me hard. And then there are other things. I work in classes other than transfiguration. I complete my homework when we get it rather than last minute. I didn't get a detention for the whole last week of term.

To tell you the truth, I'm beginning to lose sight of who I am.

Three months ago, if you'd asked me to talk about myself, the first thing I would have mentioned was Quidditch, followed closely by pranking, the marauders, and Lily Evans. And I could have talked for a long time. But times change, people change, and these days I would just give you a blank look. Now, quidditch is just a game, a way to pass my time. I haven't laughed in months, let alone thought about completing a prank. The marauders are just four guys that happen to sleep in the same dormitory. And Lily Evans, she's just a girl, a pretty one to be sure, but just a girl all the same.

I feel like I'm falling apart. It's like a tiny crack in the glass. No matter how much I try to hold myself together, the crack's slowly getting bigger until one day when I'm just going to shatter, and all the pieces will be too small for anyone to attempt to put back into place.

I think all of us are still in a state of shock. None of us ever thought that something like this would happen, and on this scale...

There are all sorts of rumours going around the school, although none bear even close resemblance to the truth. But I don't think people understand the seriousness of the situation. Then again, maybe it's only serious to us. I don't know how no-one seems to see that I'm falling apart, but maybe after all these years of being the strong one, the rock, I've just become too good an actor for them to see past what I want shown.

In truth, all my worries, all my fears, everything that is keeping me up at night, can be summed up in one word. Sirius.

Why the hell did he have to go ruin everything? Before, life was simple. Now I'm such a whirlwind of emotions that I'm in a constant state of confusion. I want to forgive him, I truly do, but when I think about what could have happened...I don't know. I just, I can't understand how he could have done it. How could he have told Snape, our worst _enemy, _how to find out Remus' secret? Not to mention almost getting him killed in the process.

I'm still angry at him, true, but at the end of the day, I think I'm angrier at myself. I should have realised something was up with Sirius. I should have found out about the prank before it could be set into action, I should have somehow got to Snape faster, I should have...I should have done something.

Dumbledore had called me to his office when I got out of the hospital wing. He sat me down and offered me a jelly bean, before asking for my side of the story. When I finished he was silent for a moment. He then looked at me, and said very quietly "You did something very heroic, James." I think that's the first time I have ever disagreed with something that Dumbledore's said.

I am no hero. Heroes are people that are, to put it simply, good. Quite frankly, a state I will never be able to achieve. But I can see in Dumbledore's, Remus', even McGonagall's eyes that they believe it to be true. I hate that. It makes me feel like a fraud, but no matter how hard I try to convince them, they won't believe otherwise.

If I were a hero, I could take away everyone's pain; Remus' pain of being betrayed and Peter's pain of not knowing what to do. Remus' parents pain of not being able to help their son the way they wish they could, and even Sirius' pain of knowing that he just made the worst mistake of his life. If I were a hero, I could...

_Knock knock_

Weird. It's three in the morning, who the hell would be knocking on the door at a time like this?

I get up off my seat by the window and leave my bedroom. Walking through corridors with portrait covered walls, like all the others in the Potter Manor, I try to work out who it could be. Mum? In bed. Dad? In his study, finishing his paper work. Deatheaters? Well, I hardly think they'd knock...

_Knock knock_

But there it is again. As I take my last step, I hesitantly take hold of the door handle and twist.

Standing on the porch is a dark figure that I hardly recognise. Looking soaking wet, with bruises and torn clothing (was that blood?), and completely missing the air of confidence that usually surrounds him, is my best friend.

"Prongs," he gasps. "I finally did it. I ran away".

...end...


	2. Chapter 2

Kay, so this is written for acatnamedmouse, Written in Rain, and Bittersweet x. So yeah, hope it's not too terrible.

Xoxo

What do you do, when a prank goes haywire? When you suddenly betray the three people who trusted you beyond belief and your whole world comes crashing down?

You work.

You put all your effort into everything you do, hoping that if you try, you can escape all the worries, all the what ifs that plague your mind.

It doesn't help in the slightest. At the end of the day, running from problems only makes them worse, until they've snowballed into something you have no hope in controlling. But I guess I'd know all about that.

Over time, my nightmares have gotten worst. Yet, at the same time, they remain the same. I guess the only difference now is that I realise how bad things could have turned out. If Snape had left the common room sooner, if James hadn't found out 'til later, if he hadn't run fast enough, then Remus...

I can't even think about it when I'm awake, cannot bear to remember. But my nightmares, oh they're not afraid of making me live through every moment, not afraid to linger on every detail that makes me flinch and scream and shake, and too frightened to fall back asleep.

I'm starting to doubt that things will ever be the same.

Everything has changed now - everything to me, anyway. The rest of the school seems to not understand. All that I talk to want to offer their sympathies and tell me that they're sure it'll all blow over, but in truth their eyes are curious, wanting to pick up every detail so that they can share it with everyone else, or only pretending to be kind in hopes to have some popularity brushed off onto them.

Well, maybe that's a bit harsh, but true in so many ways. I can see in many people's eyes the secret pleasure in seeing the fall of the marauders. Then again, there are also the ones that don't try to hide it. Snape is one of those, Evans is another.

I don't know how to make it better, how to right the wrongs. All I know is that every day that I hesitate is another day that my friends get further away from me; another day that I wait out my banishment in hopes of an angel or fairy godmother that is never going to come.

But how do you make up for almost ruining someone's life? How do you apologise for almost turning them into the one thing they always feared of being? How do you...how do you know if you're evil?

I have never been like the rest of my family. I remember standing up for my uncle's house elf when they were planning on beheading it, merely because it had dropped a vase that couldn't be repaired with a simple _reparo_ charm. Not that it helped. A seven year old boy doesn't hold much sway over a power hungry Black that is sure that he is right. Every time I think back to that, I can still feel the blood trickling down my cheek after the blow he gave me that's force threw me against the wall.

I had always been proud to be the 'white sheep' of the Black family, but now...

Maybe I'm more like them than I think.

James has always been the unacknowledged hero. Despite what people believe, he is so undeniably good that it's incredibly difficult to keep up with him. In many ways, I guess Remus is the same.

I used to think that I was like them – used to hope, anyway. After what I did, however, I'm starting to think I may only be good by Black standards. To everyone else, maybe I'm just as evil as the rest of my fucked up family. My mother and father - set in their pureblood ways. My _dear _cousin Bellatrix, who manages to surprise me every time I see her outside of the insanity ward at St Mungo's. Even my own brother, who seems idolizes slimy gits like Malfoy and Lestrange, and hangs off my parents' every word.

I don't even know why I did it, and at the end of the day, that's what scares me most.

I mean, I wasn't having a bad day, Snape hadn't done anything to annoy me, and Remus -sweet, shy Remus - had done nothing wrong. I just sort of...did it. A stupid, pointless mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life.

I am such an idiot. Truly. So much so that I cannot even begin to describe it. James certainly could though, after he woke from the hospital wing three days later.

If James were here now, if he was still speaking to me, maybe things would be different. Somehow he always knew how to cheer me up, how to make me feel like I was more than a worthless piece of filth, as my father so charmingly put it when he was in here just before. But he's not, and now I'm here in my room, alone and aching, watching in some sort of fascination as the blood trickles down my arm from the place on my shoulder that I'm too afraid to look at.

I don't want to be a coward, though. I don't want to be the one who lives in daydreams because he's too afraid to do anything in the real world. But it's hard, so very hard, to stand up for yourself in a family like mine. The only way you can really do it is to...

Leave.

What a stupid idea, yet somehow so wise.

I look down at my hands. Shaking (How did I not notice?), but in them is my wand, and really that's all I need. Taking a look down the hall, I can see no-one is there. All at dinner, I expect. Not that I was invited.

Suddenly, however, I'm out the front door, and with the first breath of fresh air I close my eyes and picture the only place I know I can go.

With a jolting sensation I've shifted surroundings, and when I open my eyes it's to see the Potter Manor. I knock on the front door, and after a brief hesitation, I do it again. Then all it once it hits me, and I knock again in a sudden desperation. I've done the one thing that I'd always wanted to do but never had the guts.

But the door is open now, my best friend on the other side, and I somehow I manage to gasp out.

"Prongs. I finally did it. I ran away."


End file.
